My biggest fear is forgetting to miss someone.
Once upon a grim time, I believed there was something wrong with me. I thought I was ill-mannered and unloved and weird.
Surely, this was partly true. For there is, indubitably, a dark side to every moon, to me and you.
But truthfully, I am a giggly, rambling fool.
I genuinely adore most people. Some, I even love.
But I have a fear…
You see, I used to delude myself into thinking that no one cared about me.
My heart fire extinguished… nothing but useless ashes…
Now, I fear I try to hard while trying to make up for lost time. Possibly… Possibly I was wrong about people not caring about me. However, the most likely explanation is that I cared too much for the wrong people.
And it stings.
But dammit, there is something extraordinary about me, something like a divine spark that will travel and illuminate the cosmos forever. So I am not missing a beat. The moment someone mistreats me I will be up and on my feet and out the door never to return. Not even once more.
Somewhere along the way, I forgot to treat every day like I am with my best friends.
I long to live like this is all I will ever have and I yearn to relive it again and again and again and again forever until I finally I become so perfect I burst through the confines of my intellect and spirituality and I become something more. Not something like a God, though.
Something like a starry-eyed wandered with a blank canvas I get to decorate with melodious, multicolored visions. I want to paint my some woman’s naked body after passionately fucking with the lights on because I want to explore the entirety of someone else’s soul with no fear of judgment as I slowly pass into an ocean of cummy peace.
My tears for all of the tragedy in the world won’t stop me.
Even if another friend of so many dies too young like Hayley and Stephanie and Mary Kaitlin, I will not cease. I will not be altered.
I will still love in a way so fearless that the universe’s heart skips a beat and begins dancing to the rhythm and blues of my dreams and the universe will know a joy so intense it is like a parent holding a child in their arms for the first time. I will leave friends and chase my destiny across the world looking for the perfect glimmer of hope in a woman’s eye.
I will partake in a communion of sorts with my family that will love me beyond death and loathing and drugs and I will smile wider than the crescent moon.
Somewhere along the way, I forgot to treat every day like it may be my last moments with my best friends.
I am a priceless work of art. I want to bring the canvas with my into my next reality.
Friends live complex lives of which I am not the center.
Truth is, we don’t know when someone will dissapear from our lives; this is scary at times.
But I am starting to believe that the course of my life is unfolding as it does.
This life doesn’t have to be fantastic, poetic, or perfect. It simply has to be what is was, what it is, and what it will become. I will remain calm, cool, and composed like an evergreen in the winter frost.
Sean Matthew Smith